i was just wondering . . .

1. 2
   11
   May
   

   From the traces left behind

   I’ve spent the past few days sulking about my brother being thoughtless, insensitive, and unemotional. And today when he left, I realized I’ve forgotten how  similar we still are. I’ve forgotten that I was his sister and regardless of age gap or minor differences, we’ve still had our moments. I’ve forgotten how much he loves and how much I knew him. He hasn’t changed that much from the person I’ve come to know in the past. It’s just that sometimes when we leave, it hurts so much and we get scared to return and feel that pain again.

   Before, I’ve always wondered why we create moments and build relationships when we know it’s just temporary and we’ll have to leave them again. Why do we allow ourselves to be so emotionally attached again and again, only to find ourselves in tears when we leave and remember those happy moments you’ve spent with them. There were times that I’d tell myself to stop…restrain from opening any door that may pave way for happy moments that will only result to pain later. To build emotional boundaries for self-preservation.

   But life…love…it just doesn’t work that way.  I guess, as typical humans and emotional beings, we need that…we need to break boundaries to open ourselves to possibilities…to thoughts and feelings.  Or else what would be our reason to come back? What would we be looking forward to every single day when we’re apart? When families are apart, we are still tied by this invisible string built by memories of difficulties and laughter and I believe that as the years go by, those invisible ties will always find a way to pull us together.

   I don’t pride myself for being emotional…it’s embarrassing…and it hurts. But this only goes to show how much I love…and there’s no shame in that. I repeat that in my head everytime I write this cheesy posts and as I reach for another roll of tissues.

   I miss all my brothers, Mamay, Mommy, Daddy, and all the loved ones who are not with me…but I’ll stay strong and happy for the people I do have because those people who are not with me, they gave me enough moments to remember who I am as a person who loves…and as person who can wait forever.
2. 6
   May
   
   

   Balmas Gallanosa Paculba. Palaki ng palaki ang pamilya namin. Hihi ;)
3. 4
   May
   
   

   Introducing…the whole family. There’s so many reasons to celebrate today. I’m grateful. :)
4. 1
   May
   
   

   I’m feeling good baby. how you doin’? ;)
   sometimes playing around in the fitting room is just fun. Oh and the quote is from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I love that show!
5. 16
   Apr
   

   dear mrs. teapot,

   i kept staring at it as if it was just a problem with my sight. i stared and stared as if i was making it up in my mind. i kept staring at it ‘til i realize it was real and then i couldn’t breathe. just when i  started to believe again…when i started to pick myself up again, things would pile up again to make a shoutout, “No, you’re not good enough”. It feels like everything ‘til now was just an illusion. how could i fall so hard when i just started to climb a few steps? mrs. teapot, i need him and her right now. mrs. teapot, i miss them so much. mrs. teapot, blow everything away coz i’m going back to that dark room and those steep stairs and i can’t stop. mrs. teapot help me let this one go without another sob or tear. mrs. teapot, open the door and save me once again.
6. 24
   Mar
   

   TV observation

   after a long time, i watched TV again and something made me cry and i realized or i re-realized some things. and these observations, i know i have no right or no idea about the truth coz again these are just observations from afar or from a third person perspective.

   see when you’re a star, you have to open up yourself to all your vulnerabilities.  what other people try so hard to hide, you have to open them up and that’s already difficult but as a star, it doesn’t stop there. you have to open up those fragile moments to yourself and to other people. because the more open and vulnerable you get, the more people appreciate it…the more people watch you and more fans would be attached. because the audience, they feel as if you’re sincerely sharing yourself to them. and from a star, you’re suddenly an artist who feels, who cares and who loves. and that to an audience is magnificent…it sells. but i guess to you…to an artist or a star, it’s just you hurting and trying to move on. 
7. 2
   13
   Mar
   

   class presentation

   past 12 noon and the teachers haven’t arrived yet. past 12 noon and i’ve asked as many questions as i could and tried to learn as much as i can about my part. past 12 noon and i’m already too nervous…as always. past 12 noon and i’ve made up my mind that i was going to be nervous….but awesome. i couldn’t wait. 

   i loved the feeling. i loved the fact that while i wait, i get so nervous and i disturb everyone around me just to distract the feeling. i loved the moment when it was our turn and i was still nervous and fidgety but i kept talking…hoping that somehow the words that came out from my mouth makes sense and also hoping that i wouldn’t forget anything. i loved the idea that i could look at faces, see faces, be even more nervous and still be able to see understanding and people listening even if two of those were judging me from head to foot. eye contact? bring it on. and i know it’s kind of petty but i loved hearing compliments, no matter how small. it shouldn’t be a big deal but it was pretty cool. 

   thinking back at that moment, it may not have been that perfect and it may not be good for the others but…i loved being up there. i loved seeing the familiar face of confidence that has eluded me for quite some time. i loved it. 

   i know what that means…and i can’t wait.

    
8. 2
   11
   Mar
   

   right now

   failure due to lack of passion…it’s a silly excuse, when the truth is we were too lazy to strive harder…to do better. you can love something and still make an effort to give the best for something else. to give your focus to something that wasn’t your dream in the first place…it’s possible. even if it’s not what you’ve always wanted, it doesn’t mean it lacks potential. it can actually give us an awesome surprise or a legendary discovery of what more we can do…of what more we can offer.

   you can’t always get what you want but it’s really true that you can always like what you get. in the end, this sets our tempo. and this allows us choices beyond our minds have ever dared to think of. choices and questions don’t always have just one answer just like we don’t always need to have one goal or an area of excellence.

   we are not limited. we are fluid…flexible and full of transitions. it’s not confusion, complication or lack of direction…it’s just us evolving every now and then to fit the puzzle pieces in our lives. it’s just us expanding our horizon and knowing that we can do more. we are simply writing a success story waiting to unfold.

   and even if deep in our minds, we know this is not our end game (there is never an end game)…it’s no excuse to waste the time and opportunity we have been given right now. this is not a passover or something we just have to bear for a while…we shouldn’t bear, we should lift…lift our arms as far as it goes even if it’s exhausting. and even if we are just waiting, we don’t wait in vain…we wait while bettering ourselves and diving to new things that we might never have the opportunity to do again once what we’ve been waiting for comes. 

   this is our opportunity right now….an opportunity for another goal and another success story, no matter how minor they can be. it doesn’t necessarily mean a change of plan or dream, it just means living our lives to the fullest with what we have right at this moment. it just means life…real life. and real life takes courage…not excuses.
9. 1
   8
   Mar
   

   sometimes you just have to push yourself to your limits to be better….to reach that transition that life simply requires you to have to reach a certain goal that we may not know now but we shall in the future. :)
10. 3
    Mar
    
    

    Random things I’ve seen today while looking for a venue. We have to always pause a while and give time to appreciate the simple beauty in life such as these crafts, whether they are there for show or kept in the shadows. Simple elegance. :)

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