one of my biggest flaw is that I think too much of what other people think of me…as if I have to get their approval to go on living…as if I am who they say I am. I always want to hear positive comments. In fact, I want other people to tell me I did good. I always want to be praised. and though I think I have this facade of accepting criticism, my heart gets really crushed and it’s hard for me to recover. i don’t wanna hear that I’m not special. I am a coward. I’m afraid of mistakes and flaws and I hate myself for being full of them. I’m jealous of people who are better than me, specially those who look as if they aren’t even making an effort.
I think before, until I was in high school, it didn’t matter so much and I could still be confident because I knew my parents believed in me and in their eyes, I was excellent. Though I was continuously compared to all my older brothers for things I am lacking, I knew I stood my own in class/school. They said so and I believed it until I made people believe in it as well. But without that constant reminder during college and after having been through difficulties with ACADs, I was a goner and I became average or probably lower than that. I became lazy knowing I was not special and I refused to make an effort because I felt I was going to fail anyway. I gave up myself. It was quite easy.
But as I listened today to my adviser…I realized I am tired of looking at myself through other people’s eyes. I’m tired of thinking I’m an average. Well probably in this field, I am and I need to accept that. I need to accept that I might be average at some things but I need to believe that I can be so much more than this and I know I can do so much more if only I could stop being a slave of other people’s remarks. I was not satisfied with her story and I didn’t like that I was not special to her, what was wrong with me?? She didn’t say anything wrong and I know she shouldn’t tell me I’m anyone special but I felt like I’ve given her everything I could and that’s all she could say about me. I know I may not be the smartest kid she has but I have given so much that I got tired of listening. But that’s not her fault. It’s mine. Skills and talents shouldn’t need to be recognized, they should be a lifestyle, they are who we are.
I will be going to a whole new road after graduation and I’ve already decided that right now, I want to pursue a Master’s degree. But I need to accept that this time, all my efforts and works will be for me (and my family) and not for impressing other people. I want to be happy doing my work so that when I look back, I can really really be proud of it even if the whole world thinks it sucks..
This is my challenge…this is my oath.